At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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