Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
