Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
