hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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