Me. At least after what I've been through.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Randomize
