I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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