Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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