Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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