Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
