Soap is not a condiment
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
