I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
