I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
