Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
