Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
