somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
