my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
