I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize