apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize