im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
