I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
