I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
