if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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