Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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