so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
