I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
someone owes me an orgasm
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
