Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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