Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Sext me about skeletons
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
