I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
