apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
