There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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