hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
