I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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