don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
