i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my shit smells like andre
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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