based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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