Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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