So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
