Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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