after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
there is glitter all over my balls
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