He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
