Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
