doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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