and she was petting her beer can
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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