I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
