i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
