Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
