One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
