at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
