Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
