it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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