SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
