i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
