i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize