i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
