Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
