you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
