you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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